| i |
[Jun. 28th, 2008|01:14 pm] |
dont care anymore.
often said right?
oh well. i really dont have much to say on here anymore. so this will probably be my last post.
this place sucks and i dont know how much longer i can keep sane.
thats it. |
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| this is what youve brought upon me |
[May. 28th, 2008|04:54 pm] |
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"ive been waiting here for hours in in this closet in your room. waiting to see the guy you left me for. i hope this is you, i cant take the anticipation anymore. ill continue to wait behind these doors... wait until i see what i never recieved before. my own little personal score."
"sweet dreams my love. these perfect white sheets will soon become a crimson flood. this is the last time ill feel your warmth."
"you can pray all you want, he wont come to save you. and your lover is just as dead too. its just you and me my dear. a night of pure sadistic adultery for the whole neighborhood to hear."
"now pray to me. i am the father, the son, the ghost that is holy.i am your blessed trinity." |
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| this past weekend started out terribly |
[May. 18th, 2008|09:42 pm] |
thursday night i get a text from a dear friend of mine from back home. it was his suicide note to everyone. he texted everyone this same text telling us how he loved us and there was nothing we could do to stop. i immediately called him and he picked up as he was getting in the car to go to the hospital and get his stomach pumped. he took 34 mg of klonopin and had a few beers... which would have equaled in me flying home to bury one of my best friends. not something im ready to do.
thankfully he got to the hospital on time. i called neal to make sure he really went and he did. hes in the psych ward right now undergoing a psych evaluation.
i was on the verge of tears for a little while after that... it was shitty. and even more shitty to hear that another friend of mine, a friend ive considered a brother for years thought about doing the same a few months ago.
so friday was spent not really talking to anyone or doing much. kira didnt want me to be alone so she stayed over... shes awesome.
saturday was spent talking to ian, grocery shopping, and hanging out.
today was a good day. even though im sick. pittsburgh made it to the stanley cup. stoked. kira and i watched half nelson, i love that movie. ive seen it but she hadnt.
tomorrow and the rest of the week will spent cleaning and looking for a job.
yes, im still a loser. |
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| faith will only lead you astray... |
[May. 7th, 2008|11:28 am] |
i just woke up about a half an hour ago. kitty and i looked at eachother and decided it was time to get out of bed. she goes to bed with me and doesnt get out of bed til i do now. i had an awkward dream. it had an ex of mine. not saying who, you all know how i love to kepp you thinking. im silly like that. though, no one really reads this. if they do, its only because they want to dig up some shit on me. awesome. back to the dream. i was seeing my ex again... like we were going to parties together, going to movies. doing real couple shit, which we never did much of. i dont know. it doesnt really matter.
i got a c in english. stoked that my teacher didnt want to be an asshole anf try to fuck me over cuz of that alst paper.
i tried surfing for the first time sunday. could have been a good time if virginia beach had waves and i knew what the fuck i was doing.
im done, i suppose. |
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| there is a place in hell for me and my friends |
[May. 3rd, 2008|12:04 pm] |
this was the last week of classes. ive been writing papers and wanting to kill myself all week.
yesterday was my last day of film appreciation, kind of depressing. it was a gnarly class. thankfully, i got a b in it. i also got one in my teacher prep class as well. i know i failed math.
now as for english... im going to kill my teacher. that ass hole is making me rewrite my research paper. last week he decided to lose his mind and start throwing shit at all of us because he fucked up by not telling us the day our paper was due. awesome huh?
but last night kira stayed over, which was of course awesome. i took her home about twenty minutes ago and now im going to spend my saturday getting high and writing this stupid fucking paper.
but i'll be listening to the new NFG ep and the ISHC full length which will get me in the mood, i hope.
fuck off. |
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| if it were up to me |
[Apr. 15th, 2008|10:18 am] |
i would put a bullet in a lot of people. by people i mean the horrible fucks that i once called friends. people that have stabbed me in the back after i trusted them. people that ive slept with. people that got others to turn their backs on me for no reason.
these people are the ones i would love to see dead in a fucking casket. i mean that with all sincerity.
i may not have much going for my life but i can at least look at myself and know im a better person than all of them.
i pretty much no longer have a best friend due to me smoking weed. really? ive lost someone close to me because they think i smoke too much. i will be the first to admit that i get high, on a frequent basis. but im still the same wise ass prick everyone for some reason keeps around.
so in short of this little rant.
fuck you and the horse you rode in on. fuck the people you call your friends. fuck everyone i once associated with, because all of you just stay friends so you have more people to talk down upon. fuck everyone and everything.
and for anyone who wants to make jokes, "ftw".
i cant wait to watch you all burn in hell. |
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| i dont feel like im living |
[Apr. 9th, 2008|10:43 pm] |
that may sound odd but i dont. i feel like im just kind of here, but arent we all? i feel like those scenes in the movies where everything is moving at the speed of light but the main character is just standing there while everything around that person is too fast to stop.
i dont know.
i dont really talk to anyone anymore. even kirk. i havent talked to him in months... i wont get into it but it really fucking sucks.
i know im not a good dude. im not that great of a friend and a serious shit head but can anyone expect more from me?accidents happen and i get shit canned for it... fuck.
i dont know. im done with ciggarettes i think. they do nothing for me anymore. just like this journal entry.
so later. |
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| hearing your name today |
[Apr. 4th, 2008|01:14 pm] |
evoked this emotion of missing you. i dont know why, maybe it was because i knew you wouldnt too far from my reach at that moment in time. but getting that one second glimpse of you made me think about how ill always love you. i dont like seeing that typed because it shouldnt be said. we were once close... great turn out. now im just bitter. that time i said i will always love you even after all the bullshit, i meant it. but i cant help but fucking hate you.
and the best part is... you wont even know this is about you. |
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| funny story |
[Mar. 20th, 2008|12:13 pm] |
yesterday kira, mike, and myself were sitting in the living room watching tv and all of a sudden theres a knock at the door. kira went to see who it was and she said it was someone we didnt know. so mike and i look out the window and saw what we thought were jehovahs witnesses and refused to answer it. they left a piece of paper in the door and walked away. i went out to see what it was forgetting i was wearing my god free shirt. i realized what shirt i was wearing and looked at the paper and it was something about gateway christian academy. there were two school buses full of kids from this place walking around my neighborhood going door to door. i am not kidding when i say there were 2 to 3 kids for every house on my street. i decide to go outside and see what the hell is going on. in everydirection there are kids from the ages of 5 to 16 with these pieces of paper in their hands.
i decided to let my beliefs be known to these braind washed little shit heads by yelling "god is dead!" and "youre all brainwashed!" on top of yelling these things i saw one of their buses pull up next to my house. the bus was inhabited by about 10 or so kids, all looking dead at me. i point at my shirt and the set the piece of paper they left at my door on fire with all of their ignorant, naive eyes to see.
it was awesome.
highlight of my month probably. |
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| im young and im hopeless... |
[Mar. 11th, 2008|10:09 pm] |
good ol gc.
today was a good and bad day.
filled out some applications around the area.
ugh.... it feels like someone is repeatedly bashing my head in with a mallot.
awesome.
i miss someone and i have no idea why because ive lost any emotion towards them in the past few months. i dont know... |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 29th, 2008|05:37 pm] |
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the song you once gave the dishonor of branding it our own came on the radio. she tried to keep it on the radio but i refused to let it resurrect a time that i sometimes wish never took place. i sometimes think about those moments that once brought us to near tears because of the beauty within them. and i look back and see them for their full beauty. but after those images resurface, i am reminded of everything else. and its so bitter sweet. this relationship is a level up from love/hate. there were times i saw a whole future. now there are times where i wish you were dead or we could have that back. i want you dead but at the same times in my arms. it changes by the minute. i hope youre dead but also happy. |
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| to an ex |
[Feb. 13th, 2008|11:22 am] |
i know we had an amazing time. we were happy and thought we were in love. we eventually both grew miserable. things changed and one of the reasons they changed was because i was unable to stay faithful to you. we both fucked up but my insecurities grew more after i did what i did. by "i did what i did" i mean something you never knew about. my apologies for the shit i put you through and and im sure you wont apologize to me for the hell and pain you put me through and thats fine. i dont care about you in the least bit anymore anyway. just know i did love you and i did fuck up in more ways than you think i did.
IS HE SERIOUS OR ISHE JOKING!? HUH!?
now im going to go to class and then hang out with my girlfriend until i go find her a valentines day gift. |
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| WHY DONT YOU SUCK HIS FUCKING DICK!? |
[Feb. 5th, 2008|11:48 am] |
soo.....
school is fine i suppose. thats basically my life besides hanging out with kira. ian left for boot camp. depressing, yes. he calls me, and he said hes gonna write? elvis left yesterday too... just as depressing.
despite having to drive out to shitty ass great bridge every friday, i like my film class a lot. our final is either a paper of everything weve learned to be used as a movie review or write and film your own short film. pretty cool, i think.
figured id update this. give something to someone to talk about.
oh... celeb rehab is awesome. i like watching people have rbeakdowns... especially c-list celebrities. has anyone else noticed that dr. drew is kind of ripped?
but the best show to come out so far this television season... american gladiators.
im done, fuck off. |
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| get out your fucking check book |
[Jan. 9th, 2008|05:22 pm] |
hmmm. i forgot to mention yesterday that i didnt go home for xmas. tons of problems came about so i said fuck it and stayed home.
i guess im pathetic. or so thats been said about me. thats fine. im not too worried about anyone anymore. so whichever. people dont like me, as always. i know that will never change. the difference is that now i dont care even more. my apathy towards people grows more and more. you dont exist to me anymore and i hope one day i will be the same to you.
oh yea, school isnt bad. i really like it. its nice having one calss a day. even though in april i have to go to my teacher prep class which will be on a friday from 5 pm to 10 pm and then again the next morning from 8 am to 5 pm. upside to that though, i only i have to go for those two days of the entire semester. righteous.
im gonna go be a waste of life now and do my home work. |
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| i never stay in a good mood |
[Jan. 8th, 2008|08:54 pm] |
i started school yesterday. wooooo.
its not too bad.
despite i have to go out to chespeake every friday for my film appreciation class.
but, dave and steve are in that class with me, so its ok.
im still dating kira... i dont know if i made that aware or not before... i hardly keep up with this thing anymore. theres no point. the only people that read it are people that i have no concern for at all.
today has been a wierd day. i dont know why. im just tired i guess.
i just know that i cant stand the majority of anything anymore.
its been over a year since ive actually tried to care for people. i mean, yea, i care about my girlfriend and bros and family, but not so much anyone else.
fuck it all. |
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| im a loser... i know. |
[Dec. 4th, 2007|11:47 pm] |
still no job. and to be honest... i stopped looking after the animal jungle interview. its pathetic, i know. i beat myself up every night because i suck so much i cant get a job. but whatever man.
i have a girlfriend now. im dating kira. if you know the past between her and i, you probably wouldnt believe that i am dating her. but i am.i told her i loved her this past spring and i meant it then... i mean it now too. were both happy. so this time around with a relationship, im doing my best to not be a shit head. i fucked up before... not all of it was myfault in the relationship but i did fuck up. not this time... im making sure we both are happy at all times.
im going home for the entire week of christmas. ill basically be at my dads the whole time working for him... thats right, working. making money. i get to see the bros, the FASSW dudes, and anyone else.
i dont know... im discontent with some things... mainly job wise, which is why im going to be searching for one the entire time im still in VA until i leave for home. ill be coming back on the 29th and will be spending new years with kira, kirk, and sydney. and whoever else i invite to come over.
i dont know... what reasons do i have for updating this anymore? |
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| the days go by oh so slow... |
[Nov. 8th, 2007|11:53 am] |
im not saying that in referance to the nightmare of you song... im serious. i dont have much to talk about. i got accepted into tcc and now i have to call them for a whole bunch of things. i also have to go to nelson's pizza today to fill out an application, and call hollywood video. but first i have to shower.
i miss everuone back home. a lot. i gotta figure out when i can go back.
i dont have anything to talk about. |
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